Friday, August 05, 2005


Jokes to do with Rhee Taekwondo, competitive forms of Taekwondo and other Martial Arts in general. Kick back ;) and have a chuckle...

Signs that Taekwondo has taken over your life:

The perceptive reader might notice that the few "signs" that seem rather specific and may well conclude that the author is speaking from experience!

0-5 You need to train more.
5-10 You still have a life, you need to work on this.
15-20 It's getting serious.
20-30 Let me recommend therapy.
30+ You are beyond all hope!

· People find it difficult to carry on a conversation with you since you keep shifting between stances and practicing kicks while talking to them.
· When tripping over your shoelaces you bounce up into fighting stance with a Kiup.
· You tie your bathrobe belt like an uniform belt; making sure that the ends are exactly even and the right way round.
· You go to sleep each night cuddling at least one martial arts weapon.
· You insist on your partner tying their bathrobe belt like an uniform belt.
· You accept change from the cashier using a perfect knife hand with the thumb carefully tucked in.
· Every time you handle a screwdriver or razor knife, etc. You just can't help changing grip from hammer to reverse to flip over to dagger grip etc. And your shop assistant is standing cautiously far, far away from you.
· When you're outside doing a bit of gardening you "practice" with all the neat weapons.
· You insist on showing your work colleagues your interesting set of bruises on your forearms and shins ever week.
· Tell your Rugby playing mate he is a pansy because he won’t train due to dislocated shoulder.
· You enjoy limping into work and explaining what injury you got this week.
· You shut the refrigerator door with a side thrust kick.
· You open doors with front kicks.
· Work chairs with high back are really good for practicing turning kicks.
· You open a door with a front kick and the door bashes the boss as he is walking in.
· The boss wants to know why the department has so many broken chairs.
· Switching a light on or off requires a knife hand strike.
· While using a knife hand strike to switch the lights on, you break the light switch and short out a fuse; leaving the house in the dark.
· You shop for clothes based on whether you can kick in them.
· The only clothes you'll wear are tight enough to reveal your fit physique but loose enough to spar in (when you get a spare minute).
· You actually look forward to being told to work out on the bag.
· The books in your toilet are Taekwondo patterns, and easy Korean for beginners.
· The Twelve Days of Christmas becomes: one boxing bag, two boxing gloves, three shin pads (includes an extra pad for the one you'll inevitably lose), four Tokaido gi's, five rolls of adhesive tape....twelve cases of Tiger Balm.
· You look for a place to live based on the amount of practice space it provides.
· While practicing patterns, you do an upper block and shatter the glass light fitting (needing several stitches and leaving the room in the dark).
· You look for a place to live based on the amount of head room it provides.
· In a boring meeting you start practicing staff techniques with a pencil.
· You refuse to wear shoes, and look scornfully aloof on those that need to during class.
· As your classmate withers in pain on the floor, you fantasize about the quickest way to put him out of his misery.
· You tell beginners that care is need not to be too aggressive, after you flatten some poor sod that tries to hit you.
· While sparring with beginners you keep stopping to tell them that they are not hitting you hard enough.
· When all your injuries heal, you go through withdrawals.
· You view new students as fresh meat.
· You look forward to working another technique line.
· You eagerly volunteer to be the instructor’s demonstration assistant.
· You believe that one and half hours is far too short for a training session.
· You enjoyed your last grading.
· You say to the shop assistant in the men's store, "Nice pants, but I don't think I can kick in them."
· "What was I doing in my office when I was spinning around and flailing my arms and legs? Ahhhhhmmmmmmm....."
· The only way to open and close doors is with spinning kicks.
· You have begun to master the reflex to commit a very messy murder when, directly after someone finds out you practice martial arts, they immediately ask: "Are you a Black Belt?"
· You have reached the phase of seeing everybody walking around with blinking little red cross-hairs on all their vital spots
· The only way to operate a lift is to backfist the correct floor button on the inside of the elevator, based on your memory of the button's location, before you get in far enough to see it.
· The local orthopaedic surgeons ask you take it easy because you are increasing their waiting lists.
· Your email tag line is: Pain is Joy.

Taekwondo Characters:

The Beginner - the nice person.

Just started and an awfully nice person. Often less than five foot and weights bugger all. Very concerned about hurting anyone, always stops to check that they have not damaged anyone (particularly after giving one of the class heavies the lightest of punches). Set objective: learn to hit the higher grades as hard as possible, its the only chance you'll get without them hitting back, and the bonus is if you do manage to hit them -it's their fault for being too slow.

The Beginner - the enthusiast.

Just started and really keen, and really want to get stuck in. Fond of keeping their shoes on in a class. Has a problem with distance, power and balance. This means the kick are a little wild and off target and often just a shade too heavy. Set objective: learn how to train without wearing Doc Martins.

The Young Gun.

Young and fit, instantly disliked by the old and the fat. More energy than a major nuclear generating site, and not even out of breath after sparring for ten minutes. Despite energy, technique, and stamina, it is possible to land a cunning blow on these as they do tend to be over confident (but then you'll feel really bad for hitting the "kid" for the rest of the session). Set objective: grow old like the rest of us.

The Bendy Toy.

So flexible you'll be convinced that they don't actually have any bones. When doing all those horrid position that the Evil Instructor insists upon for stretching, which you can't even begin to do, they'll be fully stretched out flat on the floor completely destroying your argument that these positions are totally impossible. Set Objective: get a stressful job like the rest of us and then you'll be stiff as a board.

The Smug Git.

Passed a couple of gradings, really quickly. No matter how complex the pattern just seem to remember it, they even know their left from their right. Made more progress in six months than you have in three years. Set objective: stand in front of me so I can see how it's done.

The Undercover Sneak.

Actually been doing Taekwondo for awhile, but is new to the class. They tend to keep their head down and baffle the rest of the class by being effortlessly good. However, they can be spotted by wearing uniforms that look just a little too worn and comfortable. Set objective: come out of the closet and wear your belt with pride.

The Grandfather.

Far too old to be doing this. Completely stiff, out of condition, and passed it. They start the class by covering themselves in deep heat cream and swallowing load of vitamin and supplement pills in an attempt to stave off the inevitable. Set Objective: find the fountain of youth.

The Martial Arts Film Fan.

Seen every martial arts film ever made, even the foreign ones (and there is a lot of those). Treats every sparring session as an audition for No:3 Bad Guy, putting in every conceivable combination until you are too dizzy even to think of a counter move, let alone block anything. Set Objective: get to go down the pub more and buy less DVDs.

The Gym Monster.

Spends just a shade too long in the gym. Has more muscles than the rest of the class put together. This tend to be a rather frightening and an off-putting sight when paired up for sparring. Actually they all turn out to be rather nice people, and all that weight training means that they can't run that fast or for any distance (keep out of harms way until they go red in the face and lightly dance around them). Set objective: Cut down on the piercing and tattoos, even if they do say "Mum".

The Class Heavy.

Currently in training for a full contact bare knuckled fight. Constantly keeps stopping the sparring to inform you that you need to hit him harder as he is in training (you are already giving it your all). Occasionally complements you on your kick which had no effect on him but broke a paving slab last time you were doing breaking. Set Objective: stop eating Desperate Dan Cow Pies for breakfast.

The Evil Instructor

The Evil Instructor will appear disguised as your favourite instructor, beware. Much like in Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey, do not be fooled by appearances -this is the Evil Instructor. He will start with push ups, more push ups, and then stomach crunches. Then triceps dips, lots of them, using a chair. Then the pain really starts. The bag is brought out, and you are made to work on it forever. Tasks will be set like run back and forth twenty thousand times; if failed the entire class will have to do more push ups. Set Objective: Keep taking the happy pills -please!

Martial Arts Dictionary

Aikido: A martial art which allows you to defeat your enemy without hurting him. Unless of course he does not know how to properly throw himself to the ground in which case he has his wrist broken in about 20 places. Also known a 'origami with people.'

Arnis: "Harness of the hand." A Filipino martial art, also known as eskrima and kali, centering around stick, blade and empty hand combat. Mispronanciation of the art guarantees a quick taste.

Back Kick: A kick where you turn your back on your opponent, then try to kick them.

Balisong: A Filipino martial art based around complex methods of opening small, very sharp, folding knives and then cutting your fingers off.

Bo: A long stick, similar to the English long staff but spelt differently.

Bokken: A stick that looks like a sword.

Buddhism: A religious doctrine and a marketing tool to populate Asia with statues of short fat bald men.

Chi: A biophysical energy generated through breathing techniques; which in defying the laws of physics, and the basic scientific common sense, allows the user to develop super human strength.

Dan: A term used in the Japanese martial arts for anyone who has achieved the rank of at least first-degree black belt.

Darn: The sound uttered when the wearer of a Dan realizes that his instructor will now him hit harder and more frequently.

Damn: The sound uttered by the black belt's partner- it's his turn now!

Dojo: "The place of the way." A training hall or gymnasium. Very similar to a B & D parlor but without the mistress.

Front Kick: A kick to the front, at last (see Back kick and Side kick).

Hakama: A skirt sometimes worn in the Martial Arts but we don't really like to talk about it.

Iaido: "Way of the sword." The modern art of drawing the samurai sword from its scabbard. A rather interesting art developed around the principle of "look how big mine is".

Judo: "Gentle way." A Japanese art where grown men roll around cuddling each other without apparently doing any damage. These men are often closet Hakama wearers.

Jujitsu: A lot like judo except that these boys like to inflict slightly more damage. Tend to get very angry when accused of being Hakama wearers and often are heard saying "You gotta a big mouth"

Karate: "Empty hand" or "China hand." The primary purpose of this art is the destruction of wood and other natural products. Most Karate styles have a placing on Greenpeace's most wanted list. This art will be outlawed by most countries by the turn of the century. Karate people enjoy pain, this is shown by their habit of fighting with their fists on their hips.

Kata: A series of prearranged maneuvers practiced in many of the Oriental martial arts in order to avoid free sparring or anything else that may involve pain.

Katana: A sharp metal stick that is incredably expensive to buy.

Kendo: A strange and unusual past-time involving hitting each other with sticks and making in-human sounds. Could be a cult ?

Ki - up: A loud shout design to startle your opponent and help the sale of sore throat sweets.

Kuk Sool Won: A combination of Kata, Karate, Tae Kwon Do, Zen, Jujitsu and Master definitions but of course the tapes for Kuk Sool Won are much more expensive.

Kung fu: A generic term for a majority of the Chinese martial arts. Many of these arts involve the emulation of animals. Many students of Praying Mantis spend years attempting to obtain the other four legs while students of Monkey Kung-fu tend to find themselves being carted off by men in white lab coats.

Master: A title bestowed on a martial artist who has attained advanced rank after long years of study or has started his own style after achieving kyu grades in at least 4 arts, or has completed the "Become a Master by Video" course available for only 19.95 per month.

Naginata: A stick with a sharp bit on the end.

Ninja: A rather confused individual who likes sneaking around at night in his pajamas.

Ninjutsu: The art of being confused and sneaking around in your pajamas

Nunchaku: Two sticks linked together with a chain.

Side Kick: Actually at kick to the front. No sense of direction some people.

Sparring: Bashing each other senseless in the hope that nobody realizes that you don't know any kata or techniques.

Tea Kwon do: The art of making a nice cuppa, normally with Earl Gray, as practiced by Captain Picard.

Taekwondo: An unusual martial art that relies on its followers to have the flexibility of a professional ballet dancer.

Tai chi chuan: Another unusual art that promises ultimate power from moving very slowly for many years. The drawback being that by the time you develop the ultimate power you are close to death anyway.

Tatami: "Straw mat." A mat usually measuring three by six feet and three inches thick (with bound straw inside.) Original purpose to prevent blood stains on the wooden floor.

Three sectional staff: Three sticks linked together with a chain.

Zen: The discipline of enlightenment related to the Buddhist doctrine that emphasizes meditation, discipline, and the direct transmission of teachings from master to student. Mostly taught by rather old and confused monks who have had one too many rocks fall on their heads during waterfall meditation. Works best when sitting in a cave facing a wall for 10 years or so.

Source: For joke sources, just click on the joke's title.